


Lost

by SterekLoveAffairs



Series: Lost and Found - Derek Hale [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 05:46:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16886754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SterekLoveAffairs/pseuds/SterekLoveAffairs
Summary: When Derek leaves Beacon Hills, his pack is left to themselves. How will the reader cope with this?





	Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Author: sterekloveaffairs
> 
> Characters: Reader, Derek Hale, Isaac Lahey, Scott McCall, Stiles Stilinski
> 
> Warnings: angst, depression, violence (sort of?), nightmares, just really sad okay
> 
> Word Count: 2,913

I had noticed it as soon as I entered the loft. I heard three heart beats. One was Peter’s, steady and calm. The other one was Cora’s, weak and slightly irregular, yet stronger than it was before and stronger than I expected it to be. And the third one was the one I could recognise among thousands. The heavy thumping that belonged to Derek that always managed to reassure me. But not this time. It sounded different. Quicker, less balanced. I walked inside, Isaac following me close. I looked around the loft, Peter was sitting on the stairs, a weird expression on his face. When he looked at me, his eyes were washed over with something I would call very close to pity.

“Derek?” I heard his heart beat speed up, then I heard his feet shuffling across the floor. He came into sight, and I felt all of my muscles tense when I saw his posture: shoulders hanging low, regret and sorrow sculpted in the frown on his face. He looked different. I couldn’t say what it was. But it was a look similar to the one he had when he told me that Erica was dead, the same look when we both moved Boyd’s dead body. Isaac put his hand on my shoulder, sensing my nervousness.

Derek softly said my name. It was the only thing he said. His voice was different too. And again I couldn’t tell exactly what was different. He seemed to lack… Power.

“Is she better?” I asked. If there was something serious enough going on, he would tell me. And if he didn’t start about it himself, it wasn’t worth wasting my time. Derek looked back over his shoulder, to Cora I assumed, and nodded.

“Yeah. She’ll make it.” The huge ‘but’ that he left unspoken was ringing in my ears, pounding in my head and making me nauseous. Derek walked towards us, Isaac was still rubbing my shoulders. It didn’t help.

“We need to talk about something,” Derek said when he was close enough to brush a lost strand of hair back behind my ear, carefully caressing my cheek. How I hated those words. ‘We need to talk’ was never followed by ‘Let’s go to Disney World’ or something equally as joyful. It was followed by ‘your dad and I are getting a divorce’ or ‘grandpa died’ or ‘we are moving to the other side of the country’. That’s at least what my experience taught me. So I couldn’t help squinting my eyes at my Alpha, a silent warning that I would not accept just anything. I would though. Whatever Derek told me was okay. He was my alpha. He took care of me when no one else did. He made me who I am today, and he gave me a family. Or that’s what I call it. I don’t think there is a better word for a group of people taking care of each other the way we do. Except for ‘pack’ maybe. So I followed him to the sofa, and I let my head rest on his shoulder while he was gently stroking my back. Isaac sat down on my other side, and I knew he was just as nervous and curious as I was. Derek’s heart was racing, and anxiousness was wafting off him. It scared me. I felt insecure seeing him like that, he always seemed to know what to do. I gladly let him lead me, because I knew he would do the right thing for us. It was nice having someone caring for you the way Derek cared for the pack.

“I had to give up a lot of strength to save her.” Derek slowly explained the process, how he had passed over part of his power to Cora, to help her heal, help her survive. He did not just use it, he said, he literally gave it to her, like jump starting a car. And when he told me what the consequences were, I was overwhelmed by disbelief and disgust. I couldn’t answer him, and suddenly the patterns he drew on my back, were meaningless.

“Please say something,” Derek begged. I glanced at Isaac, who was staring at the ground, as if his mind wasn’t even here.

“You’re lying. It’s not true,” I said harshly. But I knew it was. That’s what I had smelled. It was indeed a lack of power. He was no longer an Alpha.

“I would never lie to you, you know that. It’s true.” The pain etched on his face made me want to curl up with him, cuddle him until he would feel better. I know that it’s what he would do for me. Or Isaac.

“So how do you fix it?” Isaac asked. I felt a spark of hope in my chest, but it quickly faded when Derek shook his head.

“This can’t be fixed. I knew what would happen. It was the price I had to pay to save her. A price I was willing to pay.” Anger started flooding my veins when he spoke those words. How could he have made that choice without even telling us? We were his pack, and to be honest, I would never make a decision like that without every pack member agreeing. Did we mean absolutely nothing to him? Were we so unimportant that he would give us up in the blink of an eye? Because how could we be a pack without an alpha? When I looked at Peter, I got even more heightened. He had a guilty look in his eyes, like a toddler that had stolen the last cookie, but only felt sorry because he got caught. No regret whatsoever.

“I want to bet all of my teeth that you are the one who talked him into this,” I hissed at Peter. He got to his feet when I got closer to him.

“Y/N.” I ignored Derek, despite all of my instincts protesting that decision.

“I only discussed the possibilities with him,” he said, not even a little bit impressed by my threatening stance, “my niece’s life was at stake.” I growled at him, the low, rumbling sound echoing off the walls.

“I don’t recall you being that fond of your nieces, the last one wasn’t lucky enough to be on your good side,” I snapped, claws out and ready to strike.

“Y/N!” My feet stopped moving, I clenched my fists. Derek walked to over to me, positioning himself between me and Peter while softly rubbing my shoulders.

“I knew about this without him telling me. I would have made the same choice even without him. In fact, he warned me, told me to think about it carefully.” I glared at him, lost my control. I pushed him away from me, all my anger directed towards him now.

“Then why didn’t you? Why didn’t you think Derek? And if you did think about it, why did you not think about us? About me and Isaac. We need you. We are your pack. We trusted you. And you abandon us in the blink of an eye. You didn’t even discuss this with us, you just throw it in our faces when it’s too late for us to do something. I thought you cared about us!” It’s only after that endless stream of words that I become aware of the tears dripping down my face. The blood welling up from my hands where my claws are piercing the skin. But it’s nothing compared to the pain in my heart. My breathing is deep, fast, almost like panting. The thought of no longer having a pack is tearing me apart, inch by inch. It’s almost a physical pain, and I grab my head with both hands to stop the thoughts and emotions from racing. What am I going to do now?

“I already called Scott. You are welcome to join his pack. Both of you.” Really? Did he really think that would be sufficient as a consolation price? As if.

“Scott is not my alpha, Derek!” I shoved him again, he did not fight me. Of course not. He was no longer stronger than me. He was not an alpha anymore.

“He is a good alpha,” Derek tried again. I turned on my heels, making my way to the door, yelling at him before slamming it shut:

“But not mine! Never mine!”

That was a few months ago. And I was still miserable. I hadn’t slept in weeks without nightmares. I felt lonely, and cold. Isaac tried supporting me, but he couldn’t. He had found a spot in Scott’s pack, but he visited me regularly. Our conversations were nice, they reminded me of when we still had a pack. But he also made me look at him like a traitor when he talked about Scott, or Stiles or whatever. I did not have a problem with Scott. I barely knew him before Derek had turned me. But he was not my alpha. And I blamed Isaac for accepting the leadership and guidance, for settling with other people. I couldn’t. I missed my pack. I was scared and lonely, feeling more and more pain every day. I tried so many things. I had gone back to the train station where Derek gave me my first training. I had found a hoodie in my room that Derek once gave me and wrapped myself in it. I tried telling myself I didn’t need him if he obviously didn’t care enough to tell me about important things, if he was prepared to dump me like garbage. Nothing worked. It was like trying to scratch an itch you just couldn’t reach. I cried myself to sleep every night, only to toss and turn and scream myself awake after only a few hours.

I was a wreck, but I kept on refusing the hand that Scott still reached out to me. Isaac was worried. But he was not my pack anymore, and that was his own decision. Just like Derek decided he didn’t want his pack anymore. They left me, and they didn’t give me the chance to do something about it. They wanted me to join Scott. They didn’t ask what I wanted, how I felt about our pack being ripped apart. I was so broken after losing Erica and Boyd. But I had Derek and Isaac. Now I had no one.

It didn’t help that Derek had left Beacon Hills. After Cora had gotten better, they decided to look for some peace and quiet. Sure. They were already being selfish anyway.

Tonight was the full moon. The third one since our pack disappeared. I hated them. My shift was so hard to control, the anger raging through my body, fuelled by loneliness when my desperate howls remained unanswered. I had gotten so short tempered that I started to doubt myself, knowing I was a danger to every human around me. But at the same time, I couldn’t help it.

“You have to do something about it,” Isaac hissed at me in the hallway. I kept on walking, looking straight ahead.

“You don’t have to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do,” I replied coldly, almost ripping my locker door out of its hinges when I opened it.

“You almost chewed up Greenberg’s face!” He said, slamming his hand against my locker and shutting it again. I gritted my teeth, pushed his hand away and made another effort at putting my books in there.

“He had it coming.” Isaac muttered in frustration, his hands at his temples.

“For fuck’s sake, he was just looking at you!” I slammed my locker shut, started walking away from Isaac. His presence was annoying me, making my insides whine for my old pack.

“Reason enough for me.” I went outside, ignoring him shouting my name. Scott and Stiles were waiting at my car, and I had to use all of my willpower not to rip their heads off. I tried to walk past them and completely ignore them, but scoffed when Scott put his hand against my shoulder. My eyes started glowing, I hissed from between my clenched jaws:

“Let go or you will regret it.” Scott’s eyes started glowing too, a sting went through my heart when the shade of red was slightly different from the one I was so used to. It made me even angrier, and I shoved Scott aside. I knew he let me, because there was no way I could be stronger than an alpha. I got into my car, my hands gripping the steering wheel as I took a few deep breaths, not even caring that Scott was still standing next to my car, despite an anxious Stiles trying to get away from me. I was so close to shifting, so close to losing control. Why? I had been so good. Derek had told me that I was the best of all of them, that I had the most self-control. That he was so proud of me for trying so hard. Tears welled up in my eyes, I hated myself for it. Why was I still crying for someone who didn’t think twice about leaving me? Leaving his pack, leaving us. Why was it impossible not to care? Why was it that the only thing that I wanted right now was his touch, comforting me, telling me how everything would be fine, how I would have perfect control eventually. Like he did before. Things would never be the same again, and that thought shattered me once again. I turned the key in the ignition, my tires shrieking on the asphalt as I got away from the school as fast as I could. Away from Isaac the traitor, away from Scott who wouldn’t leave me be, away from everything. Everything but my broken heart and the hollowness inside.

When I got home, I felt tired. I didn’t feel like going out tonight, the loneliness crushing my bones and weakening my muscles. I didn’t even bother with saying hello to my parents, or taking a shower, or doing homework. It all seemed so useless. So senseless. I threw off my jacket and crawled into bed, pulling Derek’s hoodie from underneath my pillow. I pressed it to my nose. His scent was still lingering. But it was fading. I made no effort in stopping the tears from streaming down my cheeks. I knew my parents could hear my loud sobbing, my mother worriedly talking to my father. But I didn’t care. My chest hurt from the feelings that were stuck inside. And no matter how hard I cried, I couldn’t get them out. I had pulled up the covers, but I was still cold. I hadn’t been I cold since my transformation, until Derek left. Until I lost everything that was dear to me. My skin was itching, the nearing full moon trying to lure out the wolf. I closed my eyes, only to start crying harder. I was so cold. I just wanted to sleep, forget everything. I wrapped my own arms around me, curling myself up under my sheets. I started to understand why the phrase ‘lone wolf’ could have such a sad undertone. We were not made to be alone. We were not supposed to be on our own. We needed our pack.

I felt the mattress dip behind me, two arms wrapped around my waist, hands layering over mine. I would recognise that smell anywhere. My heart jumped up, my sleepy eyes opening in shock.

“Derek?” He kissed my hair, I felt his breath on my skin when he put his head down on my pillow behind me.

“It’s okay. I’m here. You’re not alone.” I was crying again, filled with intense happiness. I had craved his touch, the touch of belonging, pack, alpha. I pushed my body back into his, his grip around my chest tightening.

“I was so lonely, Derek.” I closed my eyes in content. He didn’t answer, he only held me tight. Very tight. He seemed to close his grip, slightly more with every passing moment. One of his arms moved to my neck, I gasped when he kept on applying pressure.

“Derek, what are you doing?” I whispered, trying to get out of his hold. He hushed me, pushing his mouth next to my ear.

“You’re not alone anymore,” he said softly, his hand now gripping my throat. Fear was washing over me, mixed with utter disbelief. I couldn’t breathe, and he didn’t release me even when my claws sank into his arm.

“Derek, let go. Please, Derek.”

“Derek!” My eyes flew wide open, I was panting and sweating, confused by the dark contours of my room. The moonlight creeped in, making it all too clear to me that I was alone. Derek wasn’t here. I had my sheets tangled around me, too tight to be comfortable, Derek’s hoodie crumpled underneath my face. Great. I created my own nightmare this time. I didn’t remember falling asleep, as usual, and as usual it required me to wake up to realise that it was just a dream. This was nothing new. I looked at my hands, claws still out because of the tension and the full moon. I sat up, feeling every nerve in my body pull me towards the window. The wolf wanted out, she needed to run, to howl, to be. I wouldn’t let her.

Not without my alpha.


End file.
